chaos7

Saturday, July 08, 2006

And...Action!

I recently found our camcorder and could just kick myself for not documenting more of my child’s past 9 months of his life (like blogging and photos aren’t enough). Hubby found a snippet of film on it shot when baby was a mere two weeks and some change and I couldn’t believe that it was me in the video with this tiny baby. I looked so puffy, so lost, so in love, so tired, just winging it. There I am changing him in the closet on his changing table in the apartment we had to live in before we could move back in to the house. There I am with his little frame in my lap and taping his hands together playing patty cake. There’s daddy giving the burrito swaddle an honest go and handing the baby my way as he begins to squawk. I felt like I was watching someone else’s life. It was so surreal…and sweet.

Over the last few weeks in an attempt to make up for lost time, I have begun filming W doing everything. I am desperately clinging to his baby days as I also watch them go drifting by. Lately, I have felt that I need to quit my job and be there for all of the milestones, to share in his sweet world. I go to work feeling conflicted and angry that I’m not there for him. It’s hard and I guess most working moms go through this.

The other day I was watching the clips of things I had filmed and it wasn’t until I had started watching the 5th clip that I realized I start each one by saying “Hey, what are you doing?” I say it EVERY TIME like any minute W’s going to respond. “Well, mom, I’m putting these plastic magnetic letters in my mouth now.” or “I’m walking to the window.” or “I’m unraveling the toilet paper and eating it.” Do I do that to him all of the time? Do I have to ask because I really don’t know or am I just trying to make conversation? I think I’ll go back and re-edit it with a Star Wars score or something. That repetitive question isn’t very groundbreaking plus it’s annoying.

So, hubby is in the studio recording a new record. Yea! He’s been in there since Wednesday and will finish up on Tuesday. That means that I only get to see him in the morning when I go out to the studio to wake him or he comes in on his own accord to take over baby duty till the sitter arrives. It’s lonely and it’s almost like he’s out on the road touring or something. We have this arrangement where he sleeps out back so he can stay out as late as he needs to and doesn’t wake me when he finally comes home. He also gets to sleep in because there’s no baby drooling on him to wake up or Elmo singing in his ear. It’s a necessary situation so he can get work done and I can get a full night’s sleep. But like I said it’s mighty lonely in pretend single mom land this week.

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