Just As I Am

I thought for sure at the ripe old age of 37 I would have so many things about myself figured out but I’m here to confess that is not the case...and I'm kinda pissed about it. I am wishy-washy. I get bored easily. I am not a leader but a team player (to put a positive spin on it). I can’t commit fully too much. I have a short attention span. I am a multi-tasker to a fault. I don’t prioritize well. I have very noisy internal dialogue with myself way too often. I am, however, trying to work on these and other things. One of the quickest ways to dig through the muck of it all is to have a baby, but before I say more let me mention that I am married to a very creative, distracted, frustrated artist. I only bring this up because people of this nature need constant attention and adoration to help them stay on track, to encourage them to forge ahead, to let them know that when they pause for a moment out of exhaustion or rejection or confusion you are there for them at the drop of a hat. Having a baby, for me, moved all of my attention in another direction, shifted it to the wee one that needed me at every one of his tiny whims. Proud papa has been waiting patiently for wifey for the past nine months and what he does get is usually in the sloppy seconds department. I don’t mean for it to be that way. It just happens. On top of that, he has had to tweak his natural instincts from being on his own watch and doing things as he has the creative urge to being ready to come running when I need him to or when I have a moment to spend with him. As I begin to wean baby and create more time for myself to take better care of my mind, body and spirit, I want to find a balance in all that I do, to the best of my ability of course. My son had given me a crash course in changing all of the character traits listed above that I abhor about myself. He keeps me in the moment, honest, and aware. It has been wonderful and hard and sometimes I miss the lessons entirely but I am trying, trying to be a better person, to embrace life tighter, love my marriage deeper, and laugh a whole lot more.