On behalf of my husband's busy schedule, we attended an all day baby labor and delivery class this past Saturday. I couldn't imagine subjecting him to a collection of Thursday night sessions like some of my friends have to endure (Hello, Brent!). It was held in the waiting room of my OB's office from 9-4, a bataan death march of sorts. It was your typical Readers Digest version of a moment that will change your life forever distilled down to an abbreviated series of leg crossing, vagina clenching topics. You wonder if a) the instructor (a great nurse, by the way!) covered everything you need to know and b) if you'll remember anything she has said. We watched a video circa 1984 that highlighted 3 different deliveries by 3 different couples. In one, the woman barely made a whimper as her baby burst on the scene. Who delivers like that? You could barely hear her breath much less give birth. Her husband was saying all of the right things and they lived happily ever after. The second delivery was hilarious. Young couple, woman in what seemed to be a normal, painful labor and her youngish husband doing the best he could to console her. He stroked her hair (which she angrily made him stop doing), he blamed the labor on a philly cheesesteak sandwich she had eaten earlier, and held up a photograph of their calico cat for her to focus on. THAT provoked giant laughter from the group. It is suggested that we bring with us something visual to focus on when we are in labor but the random kitty head shot was just too funny! At the end of the all day course (filled with many potty breaks and rummaging through the basket of free cookies, candy, gum and breakfast bars), we toured the Seton Hospital delivery rooms. It's your standard intimidating collection of Frankenstein-esque beds with wires and gadets attached, hidden emergency medical gear, monitors and the uncomfortable reclining chair for dad to nap in and man the TV remote from. The tour ended with a peek into the delivery room where a newborn was getting it's first bath. A shiny new daddy was standing over the tiny bright pink person with a shellshocked, befuddled look on his face. It didn't help that 20 pregnant women and their spouses had just crowded the window to share his overwhelming moment. Poor fella.
Sunday was Junebug's karaoke baby shower and it went off without a hitch! Great fun was had by all! It didn't take as much effort as I thought it would to turn the Elk's Lodge banquet room (est. and still looks like 1953) into a cozy partying retreat. With the mammoth swimming pool, stuffed elk head and Austin skyline in the background, how could you go wrong? Many in utero thanks go to Sharon, Bonnie and Christi for their tireless help. I couldn't have done it without them. The "make a clay figurine for Junebug's room" table was a hit! I couldn't believe the creativity that resulted in tiny reditions of a fireman, rubber ducks, a rainbow, a cabaret performer, a rockin' skunk, a sword fighting mouse, and many, many others. Lest not forget the vagina and penis expertly crafted with a plastic baby sitting at the base of the member. I love my naughty girlfriends! Mommy will have place that one at the back of the display shelf. Sorry, girls.
My husband comandeered the karaoke machine switching back and forth between Guy Fantasy, David Bowie, Elvis, Mick Jagger, and himself. He was completely in his element heckling our friends and striking Ziggy Stardust poses. Junebug got some great gifts and mommy had fun opening them the next day as she recuperated from the lengthy event. The long day and late evening of loading out (daddy got to go play a show at the Hole In The Wall and missed the post-party clean-up, of course) kept me in bed most of the next day as I was swollen, sore and a bit disoriented. Whew!
Oh, about mom's date. Let's just say I put the kibosh on men who are almost 50 and live in duplexes, don't own their own business but make it sound like they do, and talk about their mother A LOT. Oh, and don't interrupt my little brother...ever! I'm not making a judgement call on all personalities or lifestyles of this nature, just when they have the potential to be with my fabulous mom.
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